How do you feel?

I work with people to help them recognize the power of asking themselves, "How do I feel? What do I need?"  Sometimes we are so preoccupied with the demands of life that we don't even think of ourselves or how we're doing!  You would be amazed at how hard it is for some people to answer the "How do you feel?" question: they more often describe the events of their lives than their own feelings, yet they believe they are honestly and earnestly answering the question! Here's a recent exchange between me and a client:

Me: How are you feeling?
Client: Well, my mother had another fall Monday. I don't know what we're gonna do.
Me: Oh no! How are you feeling?
Client: I just wish my brother would be willing to talk about a nursing home for her...he is so stubborn and its hurting her.
Me: Yeah, it's been really hard to get on the same page with him. How are you feeling?
Client: I mean, it's not like I'm crazy about the idea either, but these falls...it's ridiculous!! I think he does more damage trying to pick her up...

You get the idea. And you can probably sense the feelings she had from what she was saying, but in that moment, she was in "problem-solving mode" and couldn't even hear my actual question!

She was feeling powerless, sad, scared, frustrated, lonely, and a bit overwhelmed -- all completely normal and understandable emotional responses to the situation. We talked about how all those feelings needed her love and attention before she could problem-solve. She absolutely had to stay focused on the issue of her mother's care and how she was going to navigate the issue with her brother, but in order to do that most effectively, she needed to get calm and centered first. She needed to give herself a moment of nonjudgmental space and perhaps come up with a new strategy from a less-frightened, less-frustrated place inside her, in order to successfully do that most important thing - ensure her mother's safety and welfare. 

She could, and would, of course, get that done without me, without therapy, without ever asking herself once, "How do I feel?" She would absolutely fight with her brother and MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND... her mother WILL get what she needs!  There is no question my client's heart is in the right place, that her intentions are sound, that her determination to do the right thing is HIGH! And I agree 100% that her mother needs a higher level of care (the brother really is being stubborn and just a tad selfish). But I don't believe she has to suffer through her determination. I believe that if she stays in touch with how she feels and gives herself some acknowledgement for how difficult this is and some soothing for her own pain,  she will actually have more emotional bandwidth and feel stronger to handle it all. 

So. How do you feel? What do you need?  

Peace.