Do you think it or feel it?

Many people don't know the difference between a thought  and a feeling. Here is a great example. Recently in a couples session,  a wife said to her husband,  "You never respect my parenting." She looked at me and said, "That's how I feel." I said, "No, that's what you think, that is not how you feel."

It was very difficult for her to see, but she did get there, that she was FEELING disrespected, not important, insulted, insecure about the kids' level of respect for her.  Her THOUGHTS about that, the meaning she attached to those feelings, was that her husband's attitude was the problem. When we shifted to her talking about how she FELT when her husband would give in to the kids, or disagree with her in front of them, the conversation changed. Her husband stopped defending himself ("Yes I do respect your parenting!! What are you talking about??") and apologized for hurting her feelings, which he didn't realize he had done (sometimes when we're angrily being told what we're doing wrong it's hard to hear the other person's feelings.)

A simple guide: A statement is about your feelings if it describes YOUR emotions and it is about a thought if it describes someone else's emotions or behaviors. e.g.  "I feel disconnected from you" vs. "You never make time for me" or "I'm anxious about telling you because sometimes I feel judged by you" vs. "You are so judgmental I can't tell you anything." Expressing your feelings is so much harder than expressing your thoughts, but it can really improve the quality of your interactions, not to mention your sense of inner clarity and strength!