Why are we so good at naming our flaws and shortcomings and so awkward and clumsy at naming our strengths and successes? Simply because, I think, we want to stay aware of what needs improvement. It starts when we’re young – perhaps age 7 or 8, when most of us learn the difference between “S for Satisfactory” and “U for Unsatisfactory”,  when we first understand that there are parts of us that are not really wanted or admired by those around us, especially the grown-ups!!  Now, our minds still seem to be constantly scanning for the U’s on life’s report card. The idea is, in order to solve the problem, you have to stay focused on the problem! When we think about what we’d like to change about ourselves or our circumstances, we think in terms of “stopping” this, “getting rid” of that, “eliminating” this, “letting go” of that.  It seems perfectly reasonable, perfectly logical – except for one thing: keeping our attention on our faults or mistakes, or on what we don’t want or like anymore, doesn’t feel good.  Keeping an active watch on the list of things we don’t like about ourselves invites self-judgment and self-criticism, which actually isn’t the best motivator for most of us! Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely people who snap-to and then stay highly motivated in the presence of critical feedback.  Most of us, though,  snap-to for a moment, but then don’t stay positively energized to change the thing. Criticism, harsh feedback, a focus on our mistakes or shortcomings, even when coming from within ourselves, tend to drain our energy and dampen optimism about change.  When we give all of our attention to what we don’t want, all that is in our minds is what we don’t want.  I think we need to place our attention elsewhere, don’t you? 

I am finding that my clients are enjoying approaching change by spending a lot of time thinking about who they DO want to be, what habits they DO want to cultivate, how they DO want to feel, think, behave. Every person who comes to me for counseling wants changes. And just about every person has tried to change by becoming intimately acquainted with their problems and then strategizing, worrying, sometimes even obsessing, over how to stop. Some have even made good progress toward change and have then found that forward movement  very difficult to sustain. Once they experience how different it feels, and how much more energizing it is, however,  to take their change list and approach it from a completely new angle, they start to feel better right away.  The idea is not to ignore the improvements you wish to make, it is to create the best emotional and mental environment for those changes to feel easier and more comfortable.  And therefore more likely to stick.

Peace.